Death Gives Us Permission to Feel Grief – Past and Present
In its ebb and flow, life unfurls a myriad of emotions – joy, sorrow, love, grief, and everything in between. These emotions are etched deep within our bodies and stored in our cellular memory.
It’s not just our experiences that reside within us but also the emotional legacies of our lineages.
One of the things death does for us is offer permission to open our hearts to feel all the grief that we’ve been carrying – that we may not have felt or allowed ourselves to feel up until now.
Two weeks ago, we held Cricket in
our home as she took her last breath.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
– Vicki Harrison
When Death Comes, We Cannot Avoid Grief
Cricket was more than a pet; she was a pure manifestation of joy and innocence. She was, in essence, the embodiment of my childhood spirit. Her presence was a daily, minute-by-minute reminder of the open-hearted nature of all childhood and especially an embodiment of my unique signature.
It’s one of the many things I’m grateful for – she taught me what this pure unadulterated joy and innocence can look, feel, smell, and be like when cultivated and celebrated by the family container.
In grieving Cricket’s death, I am also grieving a deeper layer of my childhood trauma that led to the death of my innocence and joy, the full acceptance of my family of origin’s container – where it was and where it is now.
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
– Earl Grollman
The Somatic Memory of Trauma
I’ve consciously worked on my relationship with my mom for 30 years. She’s been sober for seven of those years, and while our relationship is not perfect, it’s filled with genuine care and regard for one another.
I love my mom with a full heart. I have forgiven her. I no longer carry the need, desire, or compulsion to punish her. I remember when this need to punish her left my body, to make her hurt as I did, I cried with joy.
Yet, despite this progress and forgiveness, traces of the past remain in my somatic experience. At 49 years old, my body still carries the memories of when I yearned for love, protection, sweetness, and tenderness that were painfully absent. It carries the memory of the sexual abuse I endured from my father throughout my childhood — from as early as three years old until I was 24.
From Acceptance to Liberation through Somatic Self-Love
After years of introspection and healing, I’ve come to a poignant realization: my mother will never provide the love and protection I needed as a child. She didn’t have the capacity then, and she doesn’t now. This may seem harsh, but it is a truth I speak with the utmost love — for myself and for her.
The responsibility falls on me to mourn the loss of my innocence and the absence of protection in my early life. It’s up to me to fill this void with self-love.
The death of beloved Cricket brought this reality into sharper focus. Her departure peeled back a layer, allowing me to experience my grief more intensely while also finding ways to keep the sensation of love vibrant within my body. It’s a complicated dance of emotions, but it’s part of my journey towards healing and self-discovery.
It’s up to me to grieve the loss of my innocence, the lack of protection and love myself.
This is where the transformative power of Somatic Self-Love comes into play. We focus on the body’s wisdom, on listening to the physical and emotional sensations that carry our stories. It’s about acknowledging these narratives, accepting them, and loving ourselves through them.
“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”
– Rumi
Feeling the Grief Leads to Liberation
By naming, tracking, and accepting the grief in my body, I’ve found a path toward liberation. This acceptance doesn’t just set me free; it liberates my lineage, creating space for healing and growth.
Somatic Self-Love teaches us to tenderly hold ourselves, to tap into our body’s inherent wisdom, and to nurture ourselves with compassion and kindness. It is a journey of coming home to ourselves, of reclaiming our bodies, our stories, our joy, and our innocence.
Through somatic self-love, we learn to connect deeply with our bodies, to feel and release the trauma stored within, not just from our own experiences but also from generations before. This practice isn’t about negating or changing our past but naming, tracking, and accepting. We open to a new shape – a new somatic narrative.
We embrace all aspects of our being, even the painful ones, and find freedom in that embrace. It’s about recognizing that we are more than the sum of our traumas and that through love, we have the power to transform our narrative and set ourselves — and our lineage — free.
Somatic Self-Love Ritual: Connecting with Mother Earth to Heal Childhood Trauma
Materials Needed:
- A quiet outdoor space, preferably with access to natural elements like grass, trees, and water
- Comfortable clothing
- A blanket or yoga mat
- A journal and pen
- Optional: Crystals, such as Rose Quartz or Amethyst, for their healing properties
Steps:
Grounding and Centering
Find a quiet, serene outdoor spot where you feel safe and comfortable. Sit or lie down on your blanket or mat. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, allowing the fresh air to fill your lungs and the rhythm of your breath to center your mind.
Body Awareness
Keeping your eyes closed, start to bring your attention to your body. Notice the sensation of the ground beneath you, the touch of the breeze on your skin, the sun’s warmth. Feel your body’s contact with the Earth and imagine roots growing from your body into the ground, anchoring you.
Earth Connection Visualization
Visualize the energy of Mother Earth flowing up through these roots and into your body. Imagine it as a warm, nurturing light that fills every cell, every fiber of your being. As you breathe in, draw more of this energy into your body. As you breathe out, release anything that no longer serves you into the Earth, allowing it to be transformed and healed.
Body Scan for Tension
Slowly scan your body from your toes to your head. Pay attention to any areas where you feel tension, discomfort, or other unusual sensations. These could be places where trauma is stored. Breathe into these areas, and as you exhale, imagine the Earth’s energy helping to release and heal these wounds.
Affirmations of Self-Love
Speak or mentally recite affirmations of self-love and healing, such as:
- “I am worthy of love and healing.”
- “I release the trauma of the past and welcome peace and love into my life.”
- “I am deeply connected to the Earth, and her healing energy flows through me.”
Journaling
Open your eyes and take a few moments to jot down any feelings, thoughts, or memories that came up during the body scan. Record your experiences without judgment, creating a tangible record of your healing journey.
Closing the Ritual
Close the ritual by expressing gratitude to Mother Earth for her healing energy. You can say something like, “Thank you, Mother Earth, for your healing and love. I am connected to you and to my own healing power.” Then, slowly rise and take a few moments to stretch and move your body.
Final Thoughts
Remember, Somatic Self-Love is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, and honor the pace of your own healing. This ritual can be repeated as often as you feel the need. The more regularly you practice, the deeper your connection to Mother Earth and your own healing will become.